Never ending Nights

The nights are relentless. They never end, they have a break when the sun comes up but they always return and always with the same result. I get the nagging feeling I should go and check on Janice, even though I know she is no longer here. It eats at me and eats at me. Then when I finally get up the tears start as there is no more denying that Janice is gone. Her room is rearranged, her stuff is still there but she is not. I could search the room forever and all I would find are things that used to belong to her and Janice's ashes and hair. 

Nights are the worst because there is no one. Kevin falls into what he tells me is dreamless sleep, and I don't feel right calling or texting anyone when I know they have obligations and appointments to attend in the day. So I find myself alone with my thoughts and memories. The confusion of where I go from here. I am a childless mother. There should never have been such a circumstance. I long for that love that only a child can show a parent, that gleam that was in Janice's eyes when she looked up at me. The way she said "mum|.

Janice was such a good little girl. You know she used to wait on her bed until she heard one of us and then call out, "mum? Da?" Janice would wait for us to say that she could get out of bed. Janice always wanted to "help". Even when I rearranged her room she was in there trying to "help" We couldn't get her out of the room. Janice even tried pushing the leg of the big girl bed. I finally put her on the bed so I wasn't worried that she was going to get hurt while I moved the furniture. Janice would have been such a great big sister and now she never will have the chance to prove it. 

Before Janice left us we were talking about giving her a sibling and now I am scared. I am almost terrified that if we did have another child that the same thing will happen again. Growing up I never wanted just one child but I honestly don't know if I could go through it again. Some days I long for it and others I want to curl up in a ball in a hole. I don't know what the future holds and I do hope that someday I will be able to push past this grief and fear and give Janice a sibling. But some days I just don't know.