Variety Telethon reminds me of Janice

Tonight watching the Show of Hearts telethon has been heart breaking. It has been like loosing her all over again. It reminds me of how lucky we are to live in a place that has a charity like Variety. They helped pay that first exhausting month when Janice was first born and I lived with her at BC Children's hospital in Vancouver and subsequent trips, they were the ones making it possible for her to get her "chair".

It was just last year Janice got her first wheelchair, and she took to it like it had always been there. It was heart breaking when I had to return the loaner and we had to wait months for her to get another one that she never had the chance to out grow. 


Janice loved her board for the maneuverability but the look on her face when she figured out the wheelchair and was up at everyone else's level. Janice even played with her wheelchair, from putting her toys on it to trying to figure out how to climb onto it herself. Yes, Janice could get up on her bed and then climb onto her chair by herself, when she wanted to. My little girl could do so much but only when she wanted to. Janice was the perfect example of the "I CAN". Janice didn't need anyone to show her how she would figure everything out on her own in her own time. Janice figured out how to sit up on her own; Janice figured out how to climb the stairs both ways on her own; Janice figured out her skateboard on her own. 

Janice spent annual stays at the local Kamloops hospital because of her condensed chest. Every cold seemed to turn into pneumonia, even with flu shots and inhalors Janice still had issues with a simple cough. Janice is believed to have passed do to a complication that eventually shut down her little system. It was fast and she felt no pain I am told but it doesn't help. I got the call around 1pm that Janice's lips were going blue and by just after 2pm the hospital called to tell me I needed to get there and she was already gone. No signs, no warnings. Janice was up late playing with her dad and Gramps late Christmas Eve, didn't want to do anything but sleep Christmas Day. Once we got home around supper time Christmas Day she started drinking her formula and then had some diarrhea the next morning and was gone by the after noon. Nothing to let me know my little Angel was spreading her wings, Janice left too early and didn't even get to see her collection of Care Bears that she would have loved so much. Janice loved slides, bubbles, being in the water from pools to the tub, spending time with mommy, Dora, Care Bears, and just booting around on her skateboard. 

It took us over a month to be able to open her door and another week to be able to put her stuff away, clean and rearrange her room. Janice will never be here to be the wonderful big sister I know she would have been, if I can ever bring myself to open that door again. Don't get me wrong I never planned on Janice being the last but after loosing her I don't know if my heart could take the chance of it happening again. God never gives us more than we can handle - he has me pretty close to the edge of the cliff that I can feel my toes dangling. Everything happens for a reason - I really wish I knew the reason that my 3 year old baby had to die. 

Sometimes I swear I can see Janice sitting buried among the bears smiling at me, where she should be right now. Other times I swear Janice is sitting on her board telling me to put her bears on her t.v. But she isn't here at least not in a form I can see and hold. Janice exists now in my heart and my memories. What I wouldn't give to have you back, Janice? You stole so many hearts and will never be forgotten. I hope I will see you again but as Eric Clapton said "Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure, And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven"

ERIC CLAPTON - TEARS IN HEAVEN LYRICS 

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven