Feeling alone

The last few days we have been cleaning the apartment and putting things in their place. I feel so lost without Janice. She was so precious and now I feel so alone. I feel empty. I feel scared and unsure of where I am going. I don't know what to think any more. Before Janice died Kevin and I were talking about maybe having another baby and now I am not sure. I always wanted to have a couple of kids not just one, but now I don't know if I could deal with it. 

Janice would have wanted a sibling, she would have been a GREAT big sister. Then there is all the medical issues that Janice had and could I deal with that again. Let alone if heaven forbid we lost another one. My heart is still broken from loosing Janice. How does anyone move on after the loss of someone so precious, young and full of life?

I feel so alone and don't know how to stop feeling like this. It is the feeling of being in a crowded room and feeling like no one can hear or see you. It could just be me but I think I am even worse now then I was when last month. Could I be getting worse? I mean can grieving get harder the longer someone is gone? 

I just want to cuddle my little Janice. I want to hear her calling me and wanting me to watch "bears" with her. I could just crawl up on the bed with her forever. Just stay like that forever. Another morning of watching her bounce on my pillow. 

Everyone says "it will be ok" How will it EVER be ok again? My child, my sweet innocent daughter is DEAD! She is NEVER coming home again and all I want is to have her to hold and love again.  I will never get to see her loose her first tooth or go to school and see Janice show the teachers how smart she was. Janice was so smart. People say on facebook how they get snuggles and they get to post new pictures of their little ones and I don't get to do that any more. |Janice is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I was her mom I was suppose to protect her and I failed. I failed to save my little girl and now I am alone. I know Kevin is here but I still feel alone I can't explain it. Or maybe it is because I can't seem to talk to any of my friends any more because none of them can understand what I am going through.