Since becoming a mother I have found that I have done a lot of grieving. I grieved for all the things that Janice wouldn't be able to do because of her spina bifida. I grieved the fact that Janice had spina bifida. Then when I thought I was done grieving and had come to terms with what Janice's life was meant to be and was finding joy in the things that she found happiness in, then we lost her. I then began grieving the loss of my daughter Janice. I still don't understand why we had to loose her. Now I find that I am again grieving. This time I am grieving the relationship that my daughters will never get to have. The sisterly bond and connection that all sisters should share that my daughters will not get to experience.
So much grieving in such a short time. It isn't fair.
Friday, 14 February 2014
Thursday, 6 February 2014
Abbygail Deanna Lee Story
Janice's little sister Abbygail Deanna Lee was born on January 22, 2014 at 901pm weighing 8lbs 8oz. She was delivered by c-section because the doctors were worried about the fluid levels in the ultrasound on Tuesday. She was born at 36 weeks and 3 days. She spent two nights in the nursery and yesterday afternoon she was allowed to join me in my room. Finally today at about 3pm we were both released from hospital.
I thought I was doing so well but during supper I lost my appetite and tried to lay down which failed and I ended up breaking down further. I am on the verge of tears having already broken the dams. I feel shaky and can't eat. I am sore and achy and not from the surgery. I feel like I am having a panic attack and don't understand why.
I thought I was doing so well but during supper I lost my appetite and tried to lay down which failed and I ended up breaking down further. I am on the verge of tears having already broken the dams. I feel shaky and can't eat. I am sore and achy and not from the surgery. I feel like I am having a panic attack and don't understand why.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Closer seems to mean complicated
Today I have come to the conclusion that things just seem to keep getting more and more complicated the closer to delivery we get. I met with my gynecologist this morning and because my blood pressure was 170/94 and baby's heart rate was 165 I was sent straight up to the hospital for an NST. Both came down in about an hour to hour and a half. I had fetal and renal ultrasound today, still waiting on results and I also got more blood work ordered. I am hoping that I will get the results tomorrow as doctors office closed about an hour ago. I am nervous about the whole situation. There was the possibility that baby could have been born today if the numbers didn't come down, but they did.
Due to the concerns with blood pressure I still don't have a date. Although from what the doctor says it will be before the end of next week. Another NST on Thursday and gyno appointment on Monday. Tuesday is the usual routine of ultrasound and NST although it is going to be an early start as ultrasound scheduled at 8AM.
I found some reviews about my new gynecologist. All good and positive.
Due to the concerns with blood pressure I still don't have a date. Although from what the doctor says it will be before the end of next week. Another NST on Thursday and gyno appointment on Monday. Tuesday is the usual routine of ultrasound and NST although it is going to be an early start as ultrasound scheduled at 8AM.
I found some reviews about my new gynecologist. All good and positive.
Monday, 13 January 2014
Memories & Emotions
It is funny the things you remember and what makes you remember them. Today I was only up for about 6 hours and slept the rest but now I am back up due to an ache. This ache seems to occur always in the same place as of about last Thursday. But back to the memories.
We have a digital picture frame that cycles through Janice's three years and some of the pictures I don't actually remember them being taken while others I can picture the day and see it so vividly. There is one where she has her doll in the doll carrier that we got her and another where Janice has two dolls in her bucket car seat. Really we could have turned her around so much earlier than we did but I was waiting and I guess hoping that she would get to the proper weight. I think it was only the last year that she faced forward in her car seat. Janice always liked being able to look forward and be up where she could see things. I miss her.
I know this baby is almost here and will be here in a few weeks but it will never change the fact that Janice isn't here or that I lost my first born child. I know logically that there was nothing that could have been done to change Janice's passing, I have played it over and over in my head so many times that I know that; but it doesn't change the fact that it isn't... wasn't fair. I will always be missing a piece of myself, the piece of me that left this world when Janice passed.
Her siblings will know her as best I can but it isn't the same as growing up together. I intentionally waited and put off having any more children wanting Janice to have some independence and freedom before introducing a baby into her life. But sadly in the end that meant waiting for her to pass from this world. The irony is that it was only the day prior to her death that we actually started talking about it. Sure people had asked if we were going to have any more but I knew that I needed Janice to be situated first and so I put it off. Janice would have made such a good big sister and I can see her face lighting up at the sight of her baby sister...pictures that will only ever be in my mind as Janice isn't here for me to take them. It is funny how that is.
I feel that I am in a good place to have this baby but that will never take away the pain or longing that will forever be a part of me. The part of me that Janice filled and although I know that she is always with me it is not the same as being able to hold Janice, hear Janice's voice and laugh, being able to see Janice and watch her do all those quirky things like doing donuts on her board, being able to watch Janice grow up with her siblings and watch Janice turn into the beautiful, intelligent, and inspiring woman I know in my heart she would have become. I always knew that I would have more than one child I just always thought that they would both be living and thriving. Janice is forever apart of us and our lives and that will never change.
Mommy loves and misses you Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann. You are never far from my mind and always, forever in my heart.
We have a digital picture frame that cycles through Janice's three years and some of the pictures I don't actually remember them being taken while others I can picture the day and see it so vividly. There is one where she has her doll in the doll carrier that we got her and another where Janice has two dolls in her bucket car seat. Really we could have turned her around so much earlier than we did but I was waiting and I guess hoping that she would get to the proper weight. I think it was only the last year that she faced forward in her car seat. Janice always liked being able to look forward and be up where she could see things. I miss her.
I know this baby is almost here and will be here in a few weeks but it will never change the fact that Janice isn't here or that I lost my first born child. I know logically that there was nothing that could have been done to change Janice's passing, I have played it over and over in my head so many times that I know that; but it doesn't change the fact that it isn't... wasn't fair. I will always be missing a piece of myself, the piece of me that left this world when Janice passed.
Her siblings will know her as best I can but it isn't the same as growing up together. I intentionally waited and put off having any more children wanting Janice to have some independence and freedom before introducing a baby into her life. But sadly in the end that meant waiting for her to pass from this world. The irony is that it was only the day prior to her death that we actually started talking about it. Sure people had asked if we were going to have any more but I knew that I needed Janice to be situated first and so I put it off. Janice would have made such a good big sister and I can see her face lighting up at the sight of her baby sister...pictures that will only ever be in my mind as Janice isn't here for me to take them. It is funny how that is.
I feel that I am in a good place to have this baby but that will never take away the pain or longing that will forever be a part of me. The part of me that Janice filled and although I know that she is always with me it is not the same as being able to hold Janice, hear Janice's voice and laugh, being able to see Janice and watch her do all those quirky things like doing donuts on her board, being able to watch Janice grow up with her siblings and watch Janice turn into the beautiful, intelligent, and inspiring woman I know in my heart she would have become. I always knew that I would have more than one child I just always thought that they would both be living and thriving. Janice is forever apart of us and our lives and that will never change.
Mommy loves and misses you Janice Margaret Destiny-Ann. You are never far from my mind and always, forever in my heart.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Numbered days
As the days grow numbered until Janice's sister joins this family I find I still have moments when all I can do is think about Janice. I find myself reminiscing about those first few months and how much I loved Janice from the first time I saw her in the incubator and how Janice felt in my arms the first time I held her. Janice screamed the whole time and there were two nurses standing ready to catch her as she tried to fling herself from my arms as I held her to my chest.
I wonder what toys and things Janice would be telling me were "hers" and which ones her sister could have. I wonder what questions Janice would be asking. I think of how Janice would sit on the bed when she was brought in to meet her sister and can almost picture her big smile. Janice would have been so proud and happy to have a little sibling. I could almost see her trying to give them a ride on her board. Can you picture Janice trying to hold the baby that will probably be almost as big as she would be?
Oh how I miss Janice and wish that Janice was here to see her sister. Janice would have made such a wonderful big sister and knowing her trying to help with everything. In 2-3 weeks Janice will be a big sister and the saddest part is that she isn't going to be here for it. I won't get the pictures of the two of them meeting for the first time. I won't get the pictures of them together. I didn't get the joy in telling Janice she was going to be a big sister and have her ask me all the questions a 4 year old asks.
Janice will be a big sister but her little sister will never know her. She will never know the love, spirit, determination, or light that Janice would have shared with her. She will never know how Janice would have stood up and protected her. This baby is not an only child but they will never know what it is like to have an older sibling.
I wonder what toys and things Janice would be telling me were "hers" and which ones her sister could have. I wonder what questions Janice would be asking. I think of how Janice would sit on the bed when she was brought in to meet her sister and can almost picture her big smile. Janice would have been so proud and happy to have a little sibling. I could almost see her trying to give them a ride on her board. Can you picture Janice trying to hold the baby that will probably be almost as big as she would be?
Oh how I miss Janice and wish that Janice was here to see her sister. Janice would have made such a wonderful big sister and knowing her trying to help with everything. In 2-3 weeks Janice will be a big sister and the saddest part is that she isn't going to be here for it. I won't get the pictures of the two of them meeting for the first time. I won't get the pictures of them together. I didn't get the joy in telling Janice she was going to be a big sister and have her ask me all the questions a 4 year old asks.
Janice will be a big sister but her little sister will never know her. She will never know the love, spirit, determination, or light that Janice would have shared with her. She will never know how Janice would have stood up and protected her. This baby is not an only child but they will never know what it is like to have an older sibling.
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Firsts: Christmas Anniversary
Today is Christmas Day, It is suppose to be filled with joy and happiness and yet I barely found the strength to smile. I went to my Grandma's for breakfast and presents and spent the rest of the day at home. Today just felt so empty. I even took Grumpy with me to my Grandparent's house when we went. I put on the strong face for my Grandma, I know she wants me to be happy and she is one of the few that understands my pain. The closer to midnight we get the harder it is to stop the tears. It was about 630pm last Christmas Day that I saw my little girl, Janice alive. I don't know the exact time of death at that point I was in shock and all that I cared to know was that my daughter was gone, but it was around 2pm December 26th.
I can't sleep. I filled about 5 pages in my diary/journal already today. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much. I want my little girl back. She would be 4 as of September 15th and I know she would have been excited and happy opening her Christmas gifts and preparing for her siblings arrival and wanting to "help" and all that keeps running through my head is "Janice should be here" and "Janice should be..."
I feel so alone and jealous. Alone in my worst nightmare and jealous of all the happy and complete families that get to have true Christmas'.
I remember as I waited for her father and her to pick me up before going to the hospital a year ago that the thought that she might die crossed my mind for a few seconds before I rushed to push it out, reaffirming that she would be fine. That after a week in the hospital Janice would be home again. But that was not to be. I wasn't there when she passed. I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I failed her. I feel so sad that I didn't get to hear her last words. I know I couldn't have done anything to save her but I should have been there.
I remember getting the call around 230pm and running back to the front door of my employer to find someone anyone to give me a ride to the hospital, I was in hysterics they couldn't understand me. I remember apologizing the whole way to the hospital. Then as I entered the ER a male nurse came up to me and told me that Janice was gone, they had tried for half an hour and that her father was in the room holding her. I walked in the room and my heart broke as he looked up at me and said "Our little girl is gone" His tears said more though. He handed her to me and I climbed on the bed and still processing what I had been told I started calling people, starting with work. No one believed me. Hell I didn't want to believe me. Slowly our families showed up and the staff moved us to a more private room. We stayed there taking turns holding Janice till about 9pm. Even as we left I didn't want to I kept thinking "What if she wakes up and she is all alone?" I felt like I was abandoning her leaving Janice all alone on the cot in the ER.
I through myself into telling everyone to avoid awkward conversations and planning her service. This year I have nothing to channel my grief and pain into and all I can do is cry. I miss my little girl. I miss Janice and I want her back so badly. I keep asking Why? Why? Why? If I had known that I would only get those 3 precious years I would have let her sleep in our bed every night and steal my pillow all the time. I would have taken more pictures and done more things with her I would have quit my job to spend those years with her if I had known.
I am not stupid. With her medical conditions I knew she wouldn't live to be 80 but I didn't expect to loose her so suddenly and at such a young age. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow all I know is that somehow it will come and go and I will still be here and that Janice is in Heaven trying to make me smile like she used to. Janice's smile was so infectious and beautiful. I love you Janice I hope and pray you know that.
I can't sleep. I filled about 5 pages in my diary/journal already today. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much. I want my little girl back. She would be 4 as of September 15th and I know she would have been excited and happy opening her Christmas gifts and preparing for her siblings arrival and wanting to "help" and all that keeps running through my head is "Janice should be here" and "Janice should be..."
I feel so alone and jealous. Alone in my worst nightmare and jealous of all the happy and complete families that get to have true Christmas'.
I remember as I waited for her father and her to pick me up before going to the hospital a year ago that the thought that she might die crossed my mind for a few seconds before I rushed to push it out, reaffirming that she would be fine. That after a week in the hospital Janice would be home again. But that was not to be. I wasn't there when she passed. I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I failed her. I feel so sad that I didn't get to hear her last words. I know I couldn't have done anything to save her but I should have been there.
I remember getting the call around 230pm and running back to the front door of my employer to find someone anyone to give me a ride to the hospital, I was in hysterics they couldn't understand me. I remember apologizing the whole way to the hospital. Then as I entered the ER a male nurse came up to me and told me that Janice was gone, they had tried for half an hour and that her father was in the room holding her. I walked in the room and my heart broke as he looked up at me and said "Our little girl is gone" His tears said more though. He handed her to me and I climbed on the bed and still processing what I had been told I started calling people, starting with work. No one believed me. Hell I didn't want to believe me. Slowly our families showed up and the staff moved us to a more private room. We stayed there taking turns holding Janice till about 9pm. Even as we left I didn't want to I kept thinking "What if she wakes up and she is all alone?" I felt like I was abandoning her leaving Janice all alone on the cot in the ER.
I through myself into telling everyone to avoid awkward conversations and planning her service. This year I have nothing to channel my grief and pain into and all I can do is cry. I miss my little girl. I miss Janice and I want her back so badly. I keep asking Why? Why? Why? If I had known that I would only get those 3 precious years I would have let her sleep in our bed every night and steal my pillow all the time. I would have taken more pictures and done more things with her I would have quit my job to spend those years with her if I had known.
I am not stupid. With her medical conditions I knew she wouldn't live to be 80 but I didn't expect to loose her so suddenly and at such a young age. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow all I know is that somehow it will come and go and I will still be here and that Janice is in Heaven trying to make me smile like she used to. Janice's smile was so infectious and beautiful. I love you Janice I hope and pray you know that.
Friday, 20 December 2013
Quietly in the Silence
Quietly in the silent of the night,
I feel the loneliness.
Quietly in the stillness of the night,
I miss those that left too soon.
Quietly in the darkness,
I let the tears fall at night.
Quietly when I am alone,
I let my mind wander.
Quietly when no one is around,
I let my feelings show.
Quietly when no one can hear me,
I talk to my little girl in heaven.
Quietly the spring,
I think of how big she would be.
Quietly in the summer,
I think of how she loved the water and being outside.
Quietly in the fall,
Her birthday looms and I think of what she would want.
Quietly in the winter,
I am thrown back to that horrible night,
The last time I saw my little heavenly angel.
Quietly on New Years,
I wish she was still here.
Quietly on her dad's birthday,
I wish she was playing with him.
Quietly on her birthday,
I wish she was opening presents.
Quietly on my birthday,
I wish she was waking me up.
Quietly on Halloween,
I wish she was in costume,
Out Trick or Treating with her friends.
Quietly on Remembrance Day,
I remember how she used to light the day.
Quietly on Christmas,
I remember that last trip and how much fun she had.
Quietly on Boxing Day,
Behind closed doors,
I cry away the pain.
Quietly in sunrise,
I know I'll see her again.
Quietly in the moonlight,
I can feel her say "nigh nigh."
Quietly in the springtime,
I can see her spirit wild and free.
Quietly in my dreams,
I know she is happy and would want the same for me.
Quietly I pray,
That some day I will understand.
Quietly among the tears,
I know there's a reason.
Quietly in the sunshine,
I feel her smile on my face.
Quietly,
I will be okay.
I feel the loneliness.
Quietly in the stillness of the night,
I miss those that left too soon.
Quietly in the darkness,
I let the tears fall at night.
Quietly when I am alone,
I let my mind wander.
Quietly when no one is around,
I let my feelings show.
Quietly when no one can hear me,
I talk to my little girl in heaven.
Quietly the spring,
I think of how big she would be.
Quietly in the summer,
I think of how she loved the water and being outside.
Quietly in the fall,
Her birthday looms and I think of what she would want.
Quietly in the winter,
I am thrown back to that horrible night,
The last time I saw my little heavenly angel.
Quietly on New Years,
I wish she was still here.
Quietly on her dad's birthday,
I wish she was playing with him.
Quietly on her birthday,
I wish she was opening presents.
Quietly on my birthday,
I wish she was waking me up.
Quietly on Halloween,
I wish she was in costume,
Out Trick or Treating with her friends.
Quietly on Remembrance Day,
I remember how she used to light the day.
Quietly on Christmas,
I remember that last trip and how much fun she had.
Quietly on Boxing Day,
Behind closed doors,
I cry away the pain.
Quietly in sunrise,
I know I'll see her again.
Quietly in the moonlight,
I can feel her say "nigh nigh."
Quietly in the springtime,
I can see her spirit wild and free.
Quietly in my dreams,
I know she is happy and would want the same for me.
Quietly I pray,
That some day I will understand.
Quietly among the tears,
I know there's a reason.
Quietly in the sunshine,
I feel her smile on my face.
Quietly,
I will be okay.
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
The meaning of grief
Someone posted this on a forum I frequent and I saw the truth in it.
A psychiatrist in the town who has become a de facto expert in grief since the Sandy Hook massacre. He said something that has been ringing true for me, and I have found comforting.
He said that he has learned over this last year that grief is actually love. It is not depression, or sadness. It is love when you cannot be with the one that you love. So there is no "getting over it", because how or why would you get over love? He said instead of expecting people to get over it, he now tries to help people find new outlets for that love, like Newtown's Acts of Kindness campaign, or philanthropies, etc. that you cannot get over it, but you can find new expressions of it.
A psychiatrist in the town who has become a de facto expert in grief since the Sandy Hook massacre. He said something that has been ringing true for me, and I have found comforting.
He said that he has learned over this last year that grief is actually love. It is not depression, or sadness. It is love when you cannot be with the one that you love. So there is no "getting over it", because how or why would you get over love? He said instead of expecting people to get over it, he now tries to help people find new outlets for that love, like Newtown's Acts of Kindness campaign, or philanthropies, etc. that you cannot get over it, but you can find new expressions of it.
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Going through things left behind
Tonight I did the hardest thing, the thing I have be putting off; but time is running out. I went through Janice's toys and started getting the baby's room ready. I found myself getting mad and sad at the same time and for the same reason, Janice is not here. She should be here getting excited about becoming a big sister. I am emotionally drained. I know very few of you will understand the conflict of emotion.
I know that the baby will be here in at most 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that there should be a four year old keeping me busy and driving me crazy. Being pregnant and expecting a new baby doesn't change the fact that I lost Janice nor does it lessen the pain which I am going through. People tell me I should be happy and that I shouldn't get upset for the baby's sake, but what about me? I need to let out my emotions. I need to know that my daughter is missed. I need to let the tears fall in her memory.
Going through all those things that reminded me of different things. The toys she played with. The toys she didn't get a chance to see, let alone play with. I long to have Janice back although I know nothing and no one can bring her back. I am mad because I couldn't save her and sad because I want her back. So many things I wish I could change. So much I wish I didn't have to endure. Life isn't fair.
How I long to hear her voice. How I long to feel her arms around me. How I long to smell her sweet scent again. I miss the small things that everyone takes for granted. I miss my monkey angel Janice and wish she was just in her room playing or sleeping and that I could go in and see her.
I know that the baby will be here in at most 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that there should be a four year old keeping me busy and driving me crazy. Being pregnant and expecting a new baby doesn't change the fact that I lost Janice nor does it lessen the pain which I am going through. People tell me I should be happy and that I shouldn't get upset for the baby's sake, but what about me? I need to let out my emotions. I need to know that my daughter is missed. I need to let the tears fall in her memory.
Going through all those things that reminded me of different things. The toys she played with. The toys she didn't get a chance to see, let alone play with. I long to have Janice back although I know nothing and no one can bring her back. I am mad because I couldn't save her and sad because I want her back. So many things I wish I could change. So much I wish I didn't have to endure. Life isn't fair.
How I long to hear her voice. How I long to feel her arms around me. How I long to smell her sweet scent again. I miss the small things that everyone takes for granted. I miss my monkey angel Janice and wish she was just in her room playing or sleeping and that I could go in and see her.
Friday, 13 December 2013
Missing and Reliving
I miss Janice and even have dreamed about her this week which is both beautiful and painful. Beautiful because I get to be with Janice if only in my dreams; but painful because I still have to wake to the reality that she is no longer here. Even knowing this baby is on its way doesn't take away the longing and missing Janice.
My Grandma told me today that my Grandfather keeps trying to all but build a shrine for Janice. She puts some of the stuffed animals away leaving just a few out and my grandfather gets them out again. She has two pictures of Janice framed in the bedroom for him. She moved a picture of Janice to a different spot and he got on her case about taking down the picture (he is legally blind). I almost feel that he is grieving Janice worse than I am. And it hurts me to know that he is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help relieve the pain. I didn't directly cause it but feel responsible for the pain and grief he is going through.
I had a friend that had a stillborn a month ago and I am doing my best to support and help her as much as I can, but I am finding it difficult between the anniversary and holiday festivities and watching/listening to her go through all the pain of the first month. Seeing her go through it is almost a trigger for me as it sends me back in my memories to those first few months and how hard it is to try to go back to living life after loss. The public break downs that make you wish you could disappear. The looks people give you because they don't know what to say or do; or because they don't know what you are going through and notice you are acting different. It breaks my heart and apart from being there and messaging her and giving moral support doesn't seem enough.
I know what it is like to be without a child that you are suppose to have. I know what it is like to cry over an empty form wishing with all your being that they would wake up or that you would wake up and it all be a horrible nightmare. I know what it is like to feel your heart break inside your chest. I know the pain of real loss. I know how cruel life can be and to not have anyone understand the devastation that you go through. To have to listen to people's half a$$ attempts to comfort you when there is no way to comfort you or heal your broken heart. People mean well but without going through the traumatic and devastating loss of loosing a child they don't know and can't understand the pain and longing that is now a daily life long reality for those who have children in heaven.
I have seen a commercial recently about teen suicide and it says " life with a teen is hard but life without one is harder". But life without any child that is taken too soon is unspeakable and you wish no one had to go through. I would give almost anything to have Janice back in my arms.
My Grandma told me today that my Grandfather keeps trying to all but build a shrine for Janice. She puts some of the stuffed animals away leaving just a few out and my grandfather gets them out again. She has two pictures of Janice framed in the bedroom for him. She moved a picture of Janice to a different spot and he got on her case about taking down the picture (he is legally blind). I almost feel that he is grieving Janice worse than I am. And it hurts me to know that he is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help relieve the pain. I didn't directly cause it but feel responsible for the pain and grief he is going through.
I had a friend that had a stillborn a month ago and I am doing my best to support and help her as much as I can, but I am finding it difficult between the anniversary and holiday festivities and watching/listening to her go through all the pain of the first month. Seeing her go through it is almost a trigger for me as it sends me back in my memories to those first few months and how hard it is to try to go back to living life after loss. The public break downs that make you wish you could disappear. The looks people give you because they don't know what to say or do; or because they don't know what you are going through and notice you are acting different. It breaks my heart and apart from being there and messaging her and giving moral support doesn't seem enough.
I know what it is like to be without a child that you are suppose to have. I know what it is like to cry over an empty form wishing with all your being that they would wake up or that you would wake up and it all be a horrible nightmare. I know what it is like to feel your heart break inside your chest. I know the pain of real loss. I know how cruel life can be and to not have anyone understand the devastation that you go through. To have to listen to people's half a$$ attempts to comfort you when there is no way to comfort you or heal your broken heart. People mean well but without going through the traumatic and devastating loss of loosing a child they don't know and can't understand the pain and longing that is now a daily life long reality for those who have children in heaven.
I have seen a commercial recently about teen suicide and it says " life with a teen is hard but life without one is harder". But life without any child that is taken too soon is unspeakable and you wish no one had to go through. I would give almost anything to have Janice back in my arms.
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